seiriald | ✿ Ninth Bud [strange scribbles/voice]

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✿ Ninth Bud [strange scribbles/voice]

[With a frustrated sigh, Kaori abandons the poor attempt at communication by scratching the surface of the pen across the whole page, eventually ripping it out. It was stupid to think that just because she was able to write perfectly fine a week ago, she would be able to for a while now that she was back to normal. Things didn't work that way.

So much for trying to be anonymous about this and avoiding talking to people more than she has to, but she still wanted answers to her question anyway. Pausing for a deep breath, she dives right in.]

Is anyone out there lucky enough to have their brother or sister here?

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... Sometimes. [Not that she loved the world outside of the realm the other Auria lived in, and though she was allowed to live amongst the others there, at best she was just tolerated and pitied for not being as 'pure' and therefore as content and forgiving as they were. But at least she had a sense of free will.]

It's... it's because people are nice here, and I can't tell if they're lying or not... It's confusing.

[He thinks of Frey, insisting that he wanted to help Kaori, claiming to be friends with her... A knot in his stomach: danger, danger. Then he thinks of Sayo, whom he hadn't been able to bring himself to contact in the wake of Martel's absence, because he just didn't know anymore.] I know what you mean...

[Her answer, though... Sometimes. It isn't definite enough; it leaves too much room for fraying and unraveling. More urgently:] But...you would rather be here, right? [he hasn't noticed that he's holding her hand more tightly]

[He may not have noticed, but Kaori certainly has/ The urgency in his voice, too.. it unsettles her, more than it probably should. Or maybe it's because she understands what it feels like to need that confirmation that no, she would not be abandoned. And even though she doesn't want to leave Mithos behind – after all, he is her first friend who has completely understood...

She can't answer that without a doubt, not just yet. Just a few more moments.] Mithos...?

[He can't shake off the sinking feeling of all too familiar doubts. It bothers him to think that she could have have somewhere, something, someone else to go back to in her world. Because he has absolutely nothing in his. Not even 'his' world, but the one Lloyd created. Even if he weren't dead, what would be there for him?]

......Right...? [Quiet, uncertain, but too late to draw back. Far too late.]

[She doesn't want to lie, she can't lie because back home at least there was her brother. Of course he would never understand what things are like for her, what it's like to be hunted and looked down all the more because she was only half-alive while he was lucky enough to be born a pureblood, but he had almost always been there. And even if he weren't there...

There was Aleos. The boy who may or may not be tied to her because of their current situations, and the lingering doubts in her mind of what person in their right mind would engage him to a girl who not only was part-Human, but who was cursed and endlessly flawed, beyond reprieve? As much as she wants to meet him... Why was someone she never met having this effect on her when Mithos was right here?

It made her angry.

This time she takes both his hands into her own, squeezing them tightly both to try to reassure him and in anger at her own doubt, which she now tried to push down into the back of her memory. They were only trying to tie her to Aleos because they thought she would finally behave then, right? That was what she'd heard them say...]

I won't leave you, Mithos.

[He wants to be satisfied by her answer, but it still feels like something is missing. He tries hard to ignore the fact that such promises are empty here, even though he knows ignoring it won't make it go away. It didn't stop Martel from leaving. A long pause as he tries to quell the negative emotions that are stretching and widening the many holes in his carved heart.]

And I won't leave you, Kaori. [he definitely hopes his promise keeps, because...] ...I have nothing to go back to.

[Nothing to go back to.

Why do those words make her blood turn cold and her hands slack, face frozen except for her mouth so she may voice the following:]

What do you mean...?

[It doesn't matter that she can't see - he can't bring himself to meet her gaze. She'll worry about him, won't she? There's far too much in the world to be sad about.]

I'm...no longer alive there.

[No longer alive there.

That meant...

No, no no no no no that couldn't be true, he couldn't be gone, Luceti can't be borrowed time for him. It wasn't fair, it just wasn't fair! He couldn't be someone else who joins the ranks of those she's lost, even if the curse placed upon her will make it so that anyone she cares for would eventually leave her. But Mithos was different, he understood in a way that no one else had been able to before. Does she really have to lose him as well?

It wasn't fair.] Why?!

[He's asked himself the same question: why? Why, even though he loves his sister so much, even though he tried so hard (but not for her, not for her, the unwanted reminder rings), even though he wanted what was best for the world, why couldn't his dream be realized?]

Life has never been fair to us... I refuse to accept that, I always have, but it's true. We're not allowed to rise above it.

[A pause, thoughtful, weary. He's just tired of being shot down, no matter how hard he strives to turn his despair around. Story of his entire life. And he realizes that he's only told her snatches of it... Maybe he should...?]

[It's almost too much for her right now. To think that if Mithos ever went home... There was no way she could leave Luceti now. No matter how kind and honest the people seemed to be (it was disgusting, honestly), or how confusing it was... Here, she could have Mithos.

Her grip on his hand tightens again, firm with the resolve to not leave the side of the person who understood so much without even trying. Kaori couldn't give up this precious person.]

[Mithos is quiet for a moment, focusing on the comfort given by her hands in his. Softly, he breaks the silence.]

I wanted to create a peaceful world where half-elves could live freely, without fear of persecution. That was my dream, for us to be accepted. We strove to end the war not only because it was consuming the world's mana, but because we wanted the world to be more welcoming. [He doesn't know why it suddenly seems so important to explain all of this to her, but...it's all pouring out slowly. Four thousand years of sorrows.]

[She knows everything he says is true, can sense it in both the way he says it and the sincerity of his emotions. While Kaori herself had never held such an ambitious goal, she could understand from what she remembered of her early childhood; the feeling and hopes that she would one day be able to go play with the other children, with her small wings spread open for them to see and not having to be hidden away by her mother for reasons she did not yet understand.]

... Were you happy then, Mithos...? [At all, during any point of that time?]

[He hadn't expected the question; he stares at her for a moment, considering. Happiness...such a distant memory, when hope was more than just a pretty word.]

...I think I was. Martel was with me... I believed in my companions; I never thought any of them would betray me. [especially not Kratos and Yuan. To think, he once held them in any light of respect, when his view of them now is tarnished beyond recognition.]

I really thought that people could change.

... I used to think that way a lot, too... [And to think that even these days, with people like Masaomi and Frey she still sometimes believed. Her inability to tell lies would not allow her to deny that there wasn't the thought that someday, they would either leave or betray her. But she wanted to believe them anyway.

Why was Mithos robbed of that? Why did he have to be?] I want you to be happy again...

[He shouldn't be so surprised by her words anymore, but he can't help it: he has to stop and take a good look at her. Amazed that someone like that truly exists in his life. A small warmth glows inside him, weakly holding off the bleak coldness at its edges.]

I'm...happier when I'm with you, Kaori... [happier, but there was always the underlying despair. It's a permanent part of him.]

[She may not be able to take away the underlying despair, but to hear that someone was happy to be around her... it was enough for now, she would just have to work harder so that the turmoil she relates so much to would hurt less. Maybe it could happen someday.]

Then I'll always be here for you, Mithos. Always.

[...He smiles, for what feels like the first time in a long while. A real smile, despite the pain. She takes away some of it at least.]

That means a lot to me. [more than he knows how to say] I'm so happy I could meet you, and be with you here.

[then the smile fades into a much sadder one, a paper width from breaking into a frown.] ...You're the only one. You're...all I have.

[No, it's already cracked. His shoulder hunch.] Even...even Martel can't... [be there for me. understand. This is the point where his heart plummets off a cliff and into a pool of icy water]

[He doesn't even have to say anything; that fleeting moment of happiness she felt from him just now, she wants to retrieve it for him again even though right now it wasn't possible. It hurt so much, but it was better that she allow him to express his grief; it wouldn't only hurt more if he didn't.

Without a word she reaches over and wraps her arms around him. Not too tightly, softly really, but still with enough effort to try to comfort him in the only way she knows how to right now.]

[He leans into the embrace, bringing a hand up to gently hold onto her arm as it crosses his body.]

...Even Martel doesn't understand...did you know that? [almost a whisper. He can still hardly believe it - the idea is that much of a shock to his system. His voice is distant as he struggles to stay in the present, where Kaori is and she's holding him. His memories of that day claw into him, dragging him back. He can't fight against it; the pain splits open inside him. The feeling that even his sister had rejected him and turned away...he wants to cry.]

Edited 2011-11-22 19:55 (UTC)

She...? [But why wouldn't she? Surely someone who knows Mithos and loves him so much should be able to understand why. Kaori herself had long accepted that her brother rejected her ideals, but that was because their circumstances were different: he was full-blooded, she wasn't. But Martel had been there with Mithos, hadn't she?

She couldn't understand, and realizing this now she can only begin to imagine how her friend must feel. While she may be able to feel his emotions, she did not have the terrible memories to accompany them. Her arms tighten around him, trying to will some of those emotions into herself so he wouldn't have to suffer alone.]

[Somewhere underneath the turbulent sorrow and confusion, he's grateful for the warmth of her arms around him.] She told me that...I was wrong, to want to return her from death. That I shouldn't have done what I did to try to eliminate discrimination. But what was I supposed to do? [his voice cracks, on the verge of tears] I needed her so badly... I...I didn't know what else to do, after she was taken away from me. I just wanted a world where we could live peacefully together.

[Like popping the cork off a bottle. Maybe his words are a little jumbled, but there's no time to sort his thoughts before they pour out. It doesn't matter. He just needs to tell her everything. But he forgot the second half of his story, the half that's most important. A pause, then an abrupt shift:]

We ended the war, Martel and I...along with Kratos and Yuan. With the world no longer on the path to destruction, the Great Seed - the source of mana, the world's lifeblood - could hope to germinate again. It was because of us. [here he actually tries to slow down, because this is all a lot of information at once...]

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✿ Ninth Bud [strange scribbles/voice]

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