seiriald | Appointments Post

[He continues to hold her, reaching up to pet her hair in what he hopes is a soothing manner.

He's not sure what's going on, but she was shaking..... and she was clinging to him like she didn't want to let go, so he wouldn't.]

I'm not going anywhere, Kaori......

[That damned voice in the back of her head is telling her that he's lying, not because she doubted him but because there were so many factors outside of her control that could rip him away again, especially with the fact that it had already happened once before. The truth frightened her so much she felt she was going to be sick. Just collapse onto her knees and not be able to stand up again.

She could lose him at any time, and here she was avoiding him. That they had grown apart was her fault, all her fault and she was the only one to blame. Always the blame would fall on her. She could lose him, have him fade away very much like the voice she tried to draw upon, cracked and barely a whisper from neglect.] E-e'thaji...!

[He tries to make soothing noises, humming softly a tune he had sung to her when she had been small. She felt like she was going to fall apart in his arms, and it... frightened him, really.

Was this really what she had been bottling up inside? What had he done to her, by putting off talking to her?]

[The tune, at least, was helping to calm her down. The way he was handling her now, it felt like it was okay to cry, like it was okay to be scared and not want to let go. Being held this way made it feel like it really was okay to feel and be small, and have a tiny part of herself hope that the dark she was so scared of would go away once the song was finished.

She was still being quiet about it, but her shoulders continue to shake and her hands continue to hold on to him. If that was what one memory had been like, she didn't want to get the others back. She doesn't want to know what else could possibly happen to Frey solely because he had had the misfortune of becoming part of her life.]

[If he knew the thoughts she was thinking, he would have a lot more to say, but for now he continues to hum that song he had heard Rania play once a long time ago... or maybe not so long ago. Time had been strange, memories displaced, ever since he returned. It felt like he had been here so long and yet so short a time....

So he simply continues to hold her, humming that song, and focusing on the here and now.]

[It's quite a while before Kaori is able to do anything different from the violent shaking, still making the occasional strangled noise as she struggled to find something to say or even do. She wasn't sure of what she was supposed to be doing, or if she should have clung to him in the first place. There was nothing she could do to change the fact that she did.]

I'm sorry... [For being an idiot, for burdening him, for not just leaving while she had the chance. That she was crying and was weak and needed him now. She was sorry for simply existing here.]

[When she speaks, he stops humming, smiling sadly.] What are you apologizing for? There is nothing to be sorry about.

This is my fault. I should have spoken to you sooner.... I just thought you needed time, but what you wanted was reassurance, right? I am sorry for that.

Edited 2012-02-23 07:35 (UTC)

[He knew her better than she thought, now that she hears him coming to that conclusion. Even her own twin failed to realize that sometimes, when she needed it most. But he was wrong, there was plenty to be sorry for and she doesn't know if she should continue to cling to him or start pulling away again.

Everything felt cold and out of focus, all of it was overwhelming. Frey most of all, because he actually seemed to be understanding what she needed to hear, despite her bitterness trying to shoot him down.] ... I'm sorry...

[He would tell her not to apologize again, but as he just did, she probably felt a need to do so. For what, he wasn't sure, but.....]

In the future, it might be a better idea for both of us to speak freely on our feelings. It might help us avoid these situations......

... Like equals? [That was what it sounded like he was saying, and for all their progress this simple concept, one that he could word so easily was still beyond her grasp. There were times when she could have sworn she had touched it, but... it would always slip away in the end.

Except she can't keep herself from feeling, and sounding hopeful beneath the tears. Was it wrong to want to know she was considered as such, but the Human who had somehow defied her usual perception of them?]

Of course. [It is a statement of fact, rather then anything else. Had he ever treated her as anything else?

In Frey's mind, she was every bit his equal as anyone else.]

... I'm sorry. [She can say it a little bit more strongly now, even though her throat is beginning to hurt from the fear and ongoing tears brought up by that horrifying memory. There was so much she wanted to say, but she didn't know how. Even back home this was an ongoing frustration between herself and her adopted relatives, where she didn't know how to express what she wanted.

And here Frey was giving her the opportunity. Where does she even begin?] B-but she needs you more, right...?

[And no matter what Frey said, it wouldn't change the fact that Lym is the real sister.]

It's not about who needs me more. Family doesn't work like that. You need me in different ways then Lymsleia does, and Lymsleia needs me in different ways then you do.

It's like.... hmm.... [he pauses for a moment, gathering his thoughts.] My parents. They didn't have to care for me as much as they did- I am a prince, afterall. Lymsleia was the heir to the throne, and after she was born she should have been their only concern. She would be the one everyone in our country looked to as queen, someday- It was their right to prioritize her over me.

But they didn't. They raised me as they always had, with love and kindness, giving me opportunities no one else even thought I deserved. They raised my sister and I as equally as possible, loving us both.

Lyon, too, was... a special case, I suppose. Father didn't have to take her in, but he did so, anyway. I guess what I am trying to say is, caring for people... family, close friends... they don't come with ranks of priority.

Am I making any sense?

[While most of these concepts were ones she couldn't fully comprehend – not because of how she felt about herself, but because of her lack of family experience – there is a small part of her that understands what he's trying to say. It was what was happening to a degree, back in her world, with her new adoptive family. It was only the ongoing crises that kept her and all of those others who had been adopted by the same man that kept them from becoming a proper family, from keeping them from accepting themselves from putting themselves in the same light as the blood daughters whom they all swore to protect with their lives.

But she could understand a little. It was better than nothing, right?] Like my last two fathers...?

Your last two fathers.....? You've never told me much about them.

[He was admittedly curious. She didn't speak much of home.... he didn't, either, really. But he knew her world was vastly different then his own.]

Edited 2012-02-24 08:43 (UTC)

... Because I couldn't properly remember my second until right now. [And it makes her cling to Frey again out of fear, trying to banish the image of all the blood from her mind, squeezing her eyes shut as though she could make it disappear into the darkness she was constantly forced to live in.

It was a terrible way to finally start remembering him properly. Even though she treated him with such hostility... he had been her father until the very end.]

Until..... right now? You are remembering things? [He holds her tight, petting her hair, but the widening of his eyes at that statement and confusion in his voice is clear, at least the latter should be.]

[His only confirmation to that question at first is a mute nod as she continues to try to do away with the bloody memory, trying to not cry again. Funny, she had forgotten what he had looked like exactly...]

... He was taken away... [In the worst way possible, the same way her first father was. Except she was fortunate enough to never have to see his dead body.]

Taken.....? [But.... if she was remembering right now, what was triggering it? Had he said something that would trigger a memory?]

.....I'm so sorry, Kaori.

... He said the same thing you did, y'know? Right before they came for us. [Almost word for word, taking his hand gently in hers after waking up from a terrible nightmare involving who knew what. He had left the lamp light on afterward, hadn't he? Because he knew she was scared of the dark. She hadn't thought he'd cared enough to notice, and obviously she had been wrong.]

... your blood is red too, isn't it...?

I see...... [So that's why... a chance coincidence of words, shortly before a traumatic moment. He understood, a bit, how that worked.]

It is. [As much as he would like to... he couldn't promise her he wouldn't die someday. He couldn't tell the future, after all, and saying such a thing would be a lie.]

[Kaori wouldn't hold him to make a promise of that caliber, especially when he couldn't control the people around them. It was one of the most foolish things to say back home, and if he did say it she felt she would grow angry with him, before becoming terrified for him. Somehow the idea that he would try to make a vow like that made her all the more desperate to keep him nearby.]

I'm sorry... [Why did she keep apologizing out loud, when it was obvious he didn't want her to? She should just suck it up and keep it all to herself like she usually did.]

I can tell you, though... I am fairly strong for my age, and I don't plan to risk my life needlessly. [Not unless someone he cared for was in danger. But Kaori knew that well enough.]

So please, don't worry too much?

... But that's like me telling you the same, isn't it? [It wasn't that she doubted him, but did he honestly think that asking her not to worry about him would produce any results? If anything it only gave her that much more reason to worry.]

I know..... I guess words do not really solve that kind of thing. [His expression drops a bit.]

Edited 2012-02-25 08:45 (UTC)

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